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By Ed Dugan
Dating today is like watching a horse race, with the women going across the finish line and the men stalled at the starting gate. Dating, as I remember it, is gone forever. It has evolved from two people meeting and trying to discover if they are compatible to an industry, available on the Internet at the click of a mouse. There are literally hundreds of people, maybe thousands, wanting to help you find that significant other, the one that might turn into your soul mate, the one that will love you forever, providing you pay them a fee. The dating services offer hi-tech match-making without any human judgement attached, your judgement that is. They will test you and they will test the other person and help prepare both of you to max the final exam. You can fill a small library with self-help books that people have written that tell you how to find that perfect match. I’ve always wondered how many of those authors and owners of dating services have survived their own marriages.
Sometimes these services work, most of the time they don’t and I’ll tell you why. Because the “magic” that happens when you find just the right person, not necessarily to marry but to have fun with and share interests with can never be programmed. What you are really buying is a blind date and we all know how most of them turn out. Just as it is with other things in life, if you don’t date and make mistakes you will never find out who the right person is because you never find out who the wrong person is. Dates should be learning experience for everyone involved, not a desperate search for commitment.
Most of the fault for bad dates lies with men and it never seems to get any better because men never seem to get any smarter. When I was dating I was considered fairly good looking by most women. Not Hollywood pretty but handsome enough to make other women flirt with me when I was on a date. My “running buddies” at the time had two theories about why I could date just about any single available woman. The first was that, being Irish, I was gifted with a silver tongue and the second was that, in their opinion, I often dated women who did not measure up to their standards, their “standards” being firmly grounded in the T&A category.
They never got close to the truth although there was something to be said about the silver tongue theory. The “gift” I had, and most men did not, was simply a different attitude I had toward women. I was as much interested in their minds and personalities as I was their physical attributes. probably even more so. If a woman was not especially attractive physically but could hold up her end of a conversation and was interesting to be with, I dated her. Some of my dates seemed surprised that I would ask them out since I had a well-paying job, a high profile position in the community, drove a Shelby Cobra and could pretty much have my pick of available single women. However, at the end of the date they never failed to tell me they had enjoyed our time together, as I did.
Perhaps also a “gift” but really more of a mindset, I really thought that slender, even skinny women, with small breasts, were the sexiest creatures on earth. The bigger the boobs the less I was attracted to them. You can only imagine, with the average males focus on huge breasts, and their thoughts about dating confined mostly to sex not conversation, how much of the single women field they left to me. And the truth was, if I happened to date a woman that was not that attractive, maybe a little overweight, when I got to know her better as a person I really liked her.
In my opinion, that’s what a date is supposed to be about, an exploration of the other persons personality, her likes and dislikes, her sense of humor, her family background, all of the traits that go to make up any human being. You don’t have to date a woman to see her physical attributes, they’re right there in front of you but if that’s your only standard for dating you really don’t have any standards. On many occasions, after a date we might agree to be just friends and I had many more good women friends then I had good men friends. How good? Although its funny on the surface, it says a lot about her particular comfort level with someone she dated when one of my dates confessed to being constipated and asked me for advice!
When I look at a woman I see another human being but a different kind of human being. I see a person who thinks differently than I, who has a different viewpoint on life and one who has emotional capacities I will never have. My favorite saying about a woman is “you may think you really know a woman but all you really know is what she wants you to know”. When most men look at a woman they see only her body. They wouldn’t think of buying a car without seeing what’s under the hood but couldn’t care less about what’s under the “hood” of a woman’s mind. The word that come quickly to mind to describe this kind of man is “loser”.
Today, I must admit, the dating scene is different in many ways. We were never concerned about AIDS or STD, there was no “date rape” drug and women’s roles were much more traditional, both at home and in the workplace. The glass ceiling was firmly in place and there were only a few women in major management positions. Conservatives rant about the feminist movement and Rush Limbaugh is fond of calling them “feminazis”. I call Rush Limbaugh a “Conservajerk”. Whatever your viewpoint, the feminist movement cracked the ceiling forever. Many of today’s women are filled with self confidence and hold responsible positions in the workplace. They are used to thinking for themselves, giving orders and expecting results. However, most men today fail to realize that and still carry around a 50″s mindset when it comes to women and dating. You’ll find a lot of them in Hooters.
There has been another change in the dating scene I want to touch on – the single mother with children. As the “easy in, easy out”relationship has grown so has their numbers. Until men stop viewing these women as somehow carrying around “baggage” because of their children, they will continue to overlook some really outstanding people. Yes, their children have to be accommodated when dating, yes, they have more restrictions on their time, and yes, they have added financial responsibilities. To be able to overlook, or accept these things and focus on the woman herself, takes what most of the world calls maturity – you know, the thing that grown-ups have and children do not. It takes a really mature man to take a serious look at a possible relationship with a single woman with children. The kids certainly can’t be overlooked but, as a father of four I can tell you, if you happen to avoid the part about changing diapers and getting up in the middle of the night I really don’t think you will miss it. If you are single and dating, overlooking these single moms (and dads) is a mistake I would not want to make. And I have a word of advice for single parents who are dating – stop thinking of your kids as a handicap to be overcome when you meet someone. Tell a prospective date right up front about your situation and you will save yourself a lot of wasted time and end up with much better dates.
Men today need to develop a much more mature attitude about women because women have far surpassed them in this department. If that were not so an establishment like Hooters would never prosper. I went into my first, and last, Hooters with a friend and was embarrassed, not for me but for the wait-staff who had to cater to that caveman mentality. I know one thing for sure. If I were still dating I would clean their clocks – every time!
Men, if you really want a powerful tool to help with your dating, check out my Cooking guide and Cookbook (Cookbook of the Year for 2007) on my website http://ineedtocook.com and learn how to really contribute something to a relationship. Doesn’t “let me tell you about my recipe for Coq au Vin” sound better than “what’s your sign baby”?
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